Open Letter To The Engaged...
Father Christian Bouchacourt

Taken from Le Chardonnet, (December 2001) monthly bulletin for the Sociey's parrish at Saint Nicolas du Chardonnet, Paris.

The family circle is the keystone of the social edifice. The peace and prosperity of a country depend upon the stability of the family. The crisis which today's society undergoes can only be resolved by giving back to the family its true place and by restoring to it its rightful values.

How reassuring and heartening it is for a priest to prepare young couples who, because of a solid Catholic education, have been inclined to virtue since childhood. The priest then has almost nothing to add; the souls are ready, everything is simple... But unfortunately, it must be remarked that even amongst us, Traditionalists, we encounter ever more frequently families under stress, spouses who become separated after a few years of marriage. These tragedies have causes - which I would like to point out here.

The matrimonial unit must rest upon a natural compatibility. Also, it is of extreme importance that the fiancés come from the same social background and that they have received the same education. It is an error to believe that the harmony of religious convictions will sublimate these natural differences. I will always remember a reflection addressed to me by a man separated from his wife: "Above all tell your fiancés to marry within their milieu ". No, this is neither worldliness, nor snobbishness, but common sense! If there exists too great of a difference between fiancés, when married they will annoy one another and the one will become ashamed of the other. The husband must be proud of his wife and vice-versa. I can assure you that the little importance attached to this condition is the origin of many misfortunes.

Of course this is not the only condition. There must exist a true religious harmony amongst the future spouses. It would be unthinkable to consider a marriage if the couple did not practice their religion together from the time of their engagement. Many are aware of this and we can see young people returning to the practice of their religion, thanks to the example of the other. But do not be fooled. That which in this domain is not obtained before the marriage will never, or very rarely, be obtained later on. Fiancés, understand clearly that it is your duty to assist at Mass every Sunday, and to go to confession and Communion regularly, and this is to be done before your marriage. If you do not share the same religious convictions and the same analysis of the crisis of the Church, you will be led sooner or later to oppose one another on these subjects and to argue in front of the children, who risk suffering gravely from it. In a home one may compromise about many things, but never about the attachment to the Catholic truth and to its Tradition. Thus, for example, a fiance absolutely may not attend the New Mass in order to please her whom he loves. We, as priests, see too many parents unhappy because they neglected this condition during the time of their engagement.

It is also important, for the perpetuity of the family life, that the spouses keep their autonomy with respect to their own families. The book of Genesis expresses just this when it states, "The man will leave his father and his mother and will cling to his wife and they will become one flesh". Likewise, it is unthinkable to imagine a marriage in which the future husband will not have an employment which will permit him, as head of the family, to take care of its material needs; it is a question of common sense and of honour! Financial dependence that entails persons outside of the home is always detrimental because it destroys its autonomy and engenders numerous tensions.

The existing egalitarianism tramples underfoot another truth which I would like to emphasise. There exists in the family a hierarchy; the father is the head and in order to be respected he must be worthy of it. He will make his spouse a partner in his decisions and will avoid making them in an egoistic solitude. As far as the wife is concerned, she will submit herself to her husband, as St. Paul demands. It is not a question of servile obedience but rather a submission with free consent, because it is the will of God. The odious egalitarianism, such as is proclaimed today, is one of the principal causes of divorce in families because of its source of independence, of envy and of jealousy. The husband is the head of the family and must remain so; the wife is its heart. In a body, the head and the heart are not equal but rather complimentary and indissociable. Fiancés! Accept from henceforth this truth, it will help you to live harmoniously. It is also necessary that you be convinced, you, future heads of the family, that your spouse and your children will be the apple of your eye and that they must be preferred before your work. The one will have need of your assistance in the education of your children and the others will have need of your authority and of your availability. From the time of your engagement, see to it that your work be compatible with your obligations of a future father. Too many homes are disquiet because the spouse enters too late in the evening. Beware, from now on, you, the men, of those domestic computers which take too much from you, and you, the wives, of that cursed television which hinders all family discussion. The lack of communication in a house creates fissures, which become crevices and then abysses that time and the passions render impassable.

The secret of family happiness lies in the spirit of Christian sacrifice. It's necessary that both know how to forget themselves, in a reciprocal and chaste love, beginning from the time of the engagement. Then the grace of the marriage will be able to completely blossom. And if one day a trial comes upon you, it will not separate one from the other, but on the contrary, will strengthen your union. Know for certain that the Church expects much from you. It is in your future home that will be formed the saints, the elite, which are so lacking in our impious times. The example of the Holy Family, which you will contemplate during the time of Advent and Christmas, will help you.